1. Read 42-47 in the 12 and 12
Discuss and reflect on the following quotation: "We thought conditions drove us to drink." (pg 47) Consider people, places, and circumstances.

It isn't so simple. I can't pinpoint any reasons other than this constant state of discomfort, at best, and often-times what I'd call Hell. It was something to take me out of it and shed light on the truth, even if only momentarily, whatever the cost. I didn't really begin using drugs addictively until college, I think - though I knew I experienced an addiction to cutting myself in middle school. Yes, I starting using young, but things picked up quickly when I got to college. I was with Julien when we started dealing and experimenting with all kinds of stuff. We did drugs together so frequently. We'd go through periods of smoking weed almost every evening, and we'd take something harder at least every weekend. If we missed a weekend, I'd feel quite upset. I was always impatient about our next drop or roll, desperate for the weekend to come around.
The drugs we took showed me things I couldn't normally see. Each experience felt incredibly meaningful and profound and cathartic. I chased that feeling. I never thought that I used to escape bad feelings, and I hardly ever used alone (I hardly ever WAS alone). But when we did use, I'd always want more and more and more. Especially MDMA. I'd crash so hard and experience such intense states of depression and nihilism and suicidality. But it was worth it, especially after I learned to just smoke weed on the comedown. Thinking about this in detail, I suddenly feel intense, intense cravings. I should probably be less graphic.
Anyway, I'm straying from the topic. What triggered my periods of deep addiction? The first time I knew I really had a problem was when Julien and I broke up. Right after, I immediately got incredibly high and stayed incredibly high for months. If I didn't, I know I would have died. Words cannot describe the hell I was living, and I was so dissociated and drugged up that my memory of it feels like a fantasy-horror. I had another period of binging a few months later, when I got involved with Dakota and did lots of coke and drinking with him. Around that time, I was also taking ket with Julien and Anna. A few months later, I broke up with Anna and Julien for good and started using around the clock again. Then again when I had to leave Rome and take time off school. Lastly, most recently when I visited Maya in Taiwan, breaking up with Phil, regressing into my trauma, and being locked up inside all day.
But honestly, I'm not sure that I blame others or circumstances so much. I think I've blamed myself more than anything. I've blamed Adam and Eve pretty harshly, too, and God for allowing the fall, which is the worst accusation of all.

2. Read 48-49 in the 12 and 12
Discuss and reflect on the following quotation: "These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build." (pg 49)

This is very, very true, and I see it happen each time. No matter how many times I attempt to turn things around - no matter what changes I make in my environment - my habits creep back in every single time. That is - my fears haunt me. This manifests in all kinds of ways, but most simply and apparently as "laziness", sloth, procrastination. I want to zone out and escape, and it feels justified each time I begin to do so.