The Cause
 Here's what happened: It was Christmas Eve and MH and I were going to visit our dad. We stayed the night with NR and JR at an airbnb they'd rented. I was 16. The biggest reason we wanted to visit was not to see our dad, but to see NR, who we'd only seen a couple times before and who we really looked up to. She was older and super cool.
 That night, we drank a lot. I'd never been drunk before, and I didn't know anything about alcohol really. I didn't know how many drinks was enough to get you drunk, let alone what being "drunk" was even like. They had a lot of alcohol, I remember. Fireball and tequila and moonshine-soaked cherries. JR made my drinks, and they just kept coming. I must've had sex or seven cherries and three or four drinks that he'd made. I don't know how much was in them, though. Suffice to say, I was very drunk. I was so drunk that I couldn't walk, and when it was time for bed, JR and MH helped me up the stairs.
 When I laid in my bed, JR told MH to go get a cold washcloth, and I remember him rubbing my back while she was gone, under my shirt. If there was more, I don't remember it. MH came back and they put a backpack on me, then he left. MH slept in the other bed in the room.

 The next morning, I was the first one awake. I felt horrible but I wanted to get out of bed, so I went downstairs and sat on the couch. I saw a friend had messaged me, so we started chatting. Texting, that is. The JR came downstairs. He said good morning and asked how I felt. I told him not great and he offered me a glass of water. Sure, I said. So he went to the sink to fill a glass, and while he did that, he hopped up and down a little bit, commenting on how loose his pants were. I thought it was kind of weird but I didn't say anything. I went back to texting my friend. He brought the glass to me and sat in on the coffee table.
 Then he started talking about an animation I'd made that I showed him the night before. It was of a nude-ish figure dancing. It wasn't sexual. I was studying the human form at the time. He said he really liked it and that I seemed really similar to him in that I was really comfortable with sex in a way that other people wouldn't understand. But he gets it, we're so similar in that way. And he has ideas about my next animation. It could be something like this. Then he demonstrated, taking off his clothes. I don't remember what else. I didn't say anything or feel anything or move. My phone was in my hands, open to the messaging app which had a camera shortcut. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't take a picture or even a video recording what he was saying to me.
 Then he pulled his pants back up and told me that even though we're similar, other people wouldn't understand, so I shouldn't tell anyone about it. He told me I might get in trouble if I do. I didn't say anything the whole time. I remember my face feeling really red and then pale, and I remember looking down. I remember feeling embarrassed and shy and like I wasn't responding correctly. I felt really gross and used and really, really guilty too. Like I had just done something so bad and perverted and abhorrent. It was Christmas morning.

 His daughter came downstairs right after. She was five. He said good morning to her and picked her up and played with her. That alone made me feel so sick. We drove to our dad's house and celebrated Christmas together. I was super out of it the whole time. I remember him putting his hands on my shoulders and squeezing when he'd walk by me, though. And then I remembered things he'd done when we first get there days before, things that felt weird but I went along with, like when I sat in an armchair and he asked if there was room for him, then sat next to me. There wasn't room. I was practically sitting on top of him. But I just let it happen.
 I've spent so much time since then regretting the way I acted, wishing I'd done something, called the police then and there, punched him in the face, told my dad, told NR. I think I was afraid he would become violent. I felt really afraid and small. In general, I feel so guilty and like I'm the one who did something wrong. When I had to talk to the police about it, I felt like a perpetrator and like I was in a lot of trouble. It didn't help that some of the officers I spoke to treated me that way. Good cop bad cop is a real thing. I don't know why I blame myself, but I do. Maybe because I should've seen it coming. I'm ashamed because I really should've. A couple years before that, he'd added me on Snapchat. I posted a picture of my hair, which I'd dyed pink, and he messaged me "does the carpet match the drapes?" I was very uncomfortable, but thought I must be overreacting. I was so naive then. I was 13 or 14. Then he talked about flying me and MH out to visit him and NR. He asked if I like video games, and told me he had lots we could play together. He added that we could take off our clothes and run around the streets naked at night. It was so wrong and I must have knows, but so bizarre that I laughed it off as if it were an innocent joke. I feel so embarrassed and stupid and naive, and like I asked for this.

 Anyway, later that day I did tell someone. I told MH, but that story is elsewhere. And then I told the police, but that story is elsewhere, too. The point is, he got away with it. I had to go back to school soon after, and I was so messed up. I would obsess over getting revenge or at least being heard. I still do sometimes. One day, I called their restaurant and asked to speak to each of them I didn't say who was calling. I was in a field behind my dorm. I remember just asking if we could please talk about what happened, and them saying no because nothing happened, calling me a liar, and telling me to stop harassing them, threatening to press charges. I screamed at them. Looking back, I'm sure lots of people heard. I wasn't worrying about that at all at the time. It probably contributed to how unpopular I was. At one point, I posted about what happened on Facebook, but someone on the administration of my school saw it and they called me one night during study hall, asking me to take it down. I said okay and didn't, so they called me again and made sure that I did. It was around this time that the school started watching me and considered kicking me out.
 JR and NR are both very successful in a largish city and hold important roles in their community. JR has a seat on the city council. He has ties with lots of organizations, including Boys and Girls Club. It makes me sick. Everyone loves him. They trust him. The world is evil. How many predators do I know? How many have I thought fondly of? Anyone could be a predator, even the ones who seem so kind and nice to you. You can't know anyone and you can't trust anyone. I have violent dreams about him, too. Daydreams included. Dreams that I'm hurting him badly. It isn't enjoyable at all. I hate violence.